lost... once again

Let it die. Get out of my mind.

as i walk through this orange and black world i think. i think about what was and how i never really enjoyed it. i think about what will be and how i want to enjoy it. i also think about what is. am i living? am i enjoying what is? why do i keep thinking about other times...

i feel like not caring. i feel like not having to care. but then i remember... i can't "not care". if i did "not care" i would lose things that are important, things that i don't necesarily appreciate but that i would if i stopped caring for a while and started caring after that.

don't you ever feel bored? bored of the life you have. do you ever notice that what you always do is never really gratifing? do you ever feel you could do more? more for the world, more for you, more, more, more... is it really lack of motivation? is it really the beginning of depression? i don't think so. you see, i think lack of motivation does not necessarily lead to depression, i think that some people are happy by not being motivated. and i have an example for that. you're not depressed because you're not motivated. it's mean to say that. and i haven't lost my motivation. i'm just not sure exactly what it is.

should i read more? yes. should i listen more? yes. should i stop believing that i am invisible? yes... cause i'm not. should i do something to stop my own putrefaction? hell yes! should i stop being scared? no. but should i stop not doing things because i'm scared? yes, definetly.

motivation... i have it. just hope i get accepted to school, that would be the beginning of the solution to this problem.